i haven’t posted on here in a while, because everything had been going pretty well, so ifelt like i didn’t need to, i guess.
but it’s time to evaluate things again.
as many of you know, chris broke up with me in the very beginning of november. a week later he started seeing his ex, someone who he always claimed he hated because of what she did to him and what she made him become, and so it was like the biggest blow to me that he a) got back together with her and b) could fall in love with her again so simply.
and so i’ve been just sort of meandering around. he still lives with me, and although many people told me to kick him out, i just couldn’t. so far it seems like that was the best choice, because even tho he is with her, he still is my best friend and we still cuddle and stuff.
he always fights with her, and they argue all the time. but even if they do break up, which is inevitably on the horizon, i know that he probably won’t get back together with me. he tells me he still loves me, that he can’t ever lose that entirely, but it’s obvious that he loves her so much more.
and it hurts. more than you could imagine. for the first few weeks i was bitchy and mopey and either yelling at him or crying. and then i realized that i had to chin up, and try to be happy for him and try to be cheerful. and that has worked, i mean we are so much closer when i’m not in a bad mood. and us getting close again is what i really, really need. because then maybe he will want me again.
i love that man, and i really don’t know what i would do without him.
i just hope he realizes soon what he means to me, and how i would do anything and be anyone just to have a second chance with him. i’ll be perfect, i swear.
Don't forget that you have friends like me who used to go to Saint Rose. I'm happy that you have found a way to let out your feelings but if you ever want someone to have a decent conversation with I'm around.
why is this anonymous?
i never felt more ostracized and put out from my family in my life.
i live in albany, alone, which is how i like it, but their presence is dwindling more and more, and it isn’t my fault.
i check my mailbox every day. nothing. i used to get the occasional card, maybe even a care package. now i get nothing.
i rarely get a call from my parents.
and most of all, they are completely unsupportive of what i am doing with my life. so basically, they separated themselves from me without even realizing it.
i was miserable in college, only doing so because it was what was expected of me. and now i’m starting cosmetology school next week, my orientation is tomorrow, and i am genuinely excited and happy about it. i’m happy to get my career started in less than a year.
but my parents give no support, physical or emotional. i apply for a job at the apple store, my dad goes “well maybe this will make you want to go back to your computer science major”.
i have to pay for school all on my own, even though my parents know that i will barely be able to and most likely will not be able to pay for food.
when school ends, i’ll have the struggle of finding a new job in my field as well as paying $900+ a month in apartment rent and upwards of $35,000 in student loans.
in contrast, my brother never went to college but him and his girlfriend (or should i say his 19 year old fiancé) live in our house with no responsibilities but a simple job. my parents paying and my mother cooking pretty much all the food.
the only reason i’m not moving back home is because i can’t live with a verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic father. i’m lucky i escaped and this year will be the hardest because i have to do everything on my own.
even if that means going days without food because i just can’t afford it.
so i’m on vacation with my family
and today my brother announced that him and his girlfriend are engaged
he proposed to her on the beach this morning apparently
there’s a ring and everything
and yes i’m happy for them and blahblahblah she’s a nice girl
but really the strongest feeling that i have is absolute pure envy.
explaining.
pretty much the strongest driving force in my life is the desire to settle down, get married, be with someone for the rest of my life, have a family, etc.
it’s extremely, extremely important to me. it’s pretty much my life goal.
and i want to start it as soon as possible, really.
when i begin to date a guy, i’m always in for the long haul. i always assess them as if we were to spend our lives together. are they good enough? is where they are going in life career wise good enough? i do this for every relationship. yes you may think that’s crazy but that’s just who i am and what i do.
and so i hear my brother proposed to his girlfriend and she is younger than me.
she doesn’t even turn 20 until november.
so here i am, sickly envious because she’s getting everything i completely want more than anything in the world.
is that horrible of me? am i crazy? ugh.
So have you ever like, actually met him?
uh yeah. he came back from indiana on friday. we’ve been together constantly since.
are you in indiana?
No, I live in New York. So does he. 15 minutes away.
A little bit more than 2 weeks ago, on the fifth, when it was my birthday, I was on facebook. I saw two other people who had the same birthday as me, recalled vaguely in my head that this was so, and decided to be nice and wish them a happy same birthday, even though it isn’t like I talk to these people.
That very simple decision that I almost didn’t make turned out to change everything.
Because I posted that, a guy named Chris saw my post, and friend requested me to wish me a happy birthday back. We started talking, and it moved from facebook to text messages. He had just gone to Indiana, as he’s in the Army Reserves and he had training.
We talked via text constantly for the next two weeks until the 17th, friday, when he came back. And whenever he isn’t at work, we are constantly together. We fit together so well, and it feels like we’ve known each other forever. He is so much nicer and more considerate than my past boyfriends. It’s a refreshing change of pace.
Anyway, I really, really, hope this lasts. Because I really like this boy.
Guess what guys.
The Dave I talked about below?
He’s fucking fake.
He was just a paid Hacker by someone that doesn’t like me. I don’t even think that part is true.
He said he was paid by an enemy of mine, male, but I go out of my way to not hold or have people have grudges against me. I usually take the more mature path and resolve any fights I have between long friends of mine.
To be frank, I don’t have a single enemy.
But he could have simple lied about that fact too.
He manipulated me for weeks, months, saying he found my blog because his sister had Fibromyalgia, just like me, so he was sympathetic about it. What an asshole move.
He assumed the identity of a real Dave Cations, and took pictures and even video clips from him so that he could put them up on Skype so I would think he was real.
Who the fuck does this?
Who the fuck manipulates a person like this?
It should be fucking criminal. It’s absolutely ridiculous. If I hadn’t seen through the tiny holes in his tightly woven plot I would have still been stringing along right now.
I am a very trusting person. It’s my nature. And I guess I shouldn’t be. But I’ve never had such a huge betrayal of my trust as this.
You can not imagine the anger I have right now.
You can not imagine the pain.
You can not imagine the pure rage.
You can not imagine the immense sadness, that someone would actually have the gall to do this to another human being. I hope it lays heavy on their conscience.
And finally, oddly enough, the relief. That this manipulation is all over. That I don’t wait for him to show up at my door, when he never will. That I won’t hope he’s online anymore. That something too good to be true, was, and I know it.
The momentary peace that can be felt when things get quiet, when light filters though evening leaves, when you feel that all is right, gives a glimpse of what the world should be. Everyone has an innate beauty, that is sometimes caked over and hidden by the grime of getting by in life. I don't know you, but I know that you're a beautiful person. Please, never lose hope. =)
Thank you.
That reminds me of a quote by Kurt Vonnegut, my favourite authour.
He said, “I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.’”
When a sunbeam falls through my window panes late afternoon, I can just lie in it and feel at peace, for a little while.
Today is Father’s Day.
Today I have to somehow get the courage and the maturity to call the man that I wish every day would leave my life, and wish him a Happy Father’s Day.
He’s the only person I ever hold a grudge on, and I don’t hold grudges.
He’s the person I partially blame for why I am so fucked up, why I am so socially awkward, why I’m so depressed, why I can’t maintain healthy relationships.
He’s the person who drank a bottle of blackberry brandy every single day for all of the twenty years that I’ve lived, and screamed, and yelled, and verbally abused me, my brother, and my mother for each one.
He’s the one that just less than a week ago scoffed at me wanting to not be depressed, and wanting to actually be happy. Who less than a week ago said he was going to cut my lease in September, and didn’t care what happened to me after that.
And I have to call that man, and say I’m happy that he’s my father.
What a fucked up world.
